Friday, November 8, 2013

An Apology to daughter.....

I still remember when your papa called me and said, “My dear, congratulations! You got selected for the study! I am very happy with your grand success.” Oh my god! The excitement was just “WOW!” I couldn't wait for the person in charge at the Royal Civil Service Commission to tell me when I was supposed to leave. The thought of my presence in the Land of smiles, dreams of having fun with new friends, shopping in malls, exploring new places and enjoying my life as a student once more made me wait eagerly for the day to come. Then it was 19th June, a day of my ‘dream come true’ when I just received a call from Assistant Human Resource Officer, Royal Civil Service Commission saying that our air ticket was confirmed for 24th of June. I felt happy as I started imagining myself in the plane for the first time. Whenever I pass by the Paro air port on my way home I always thought of grabbing an opportunity in future to catch the very bird. I always had a silly fascination of seeing my family seeing me off. The time and days passed by and with the passage of time my heart started aching. I thought about the pain I endure and even shared to your papa, the heaviness I feel deep within my heart although my dreams were coming true. Finally I could feel its all happening because it was the pain I was undergoing, thinking of parting from my family, the greatest blessings in my life. 
The countdown began and I was left with three days only and after that I would be away from you. Those three days were all I had and I with my careful plan took you and your papa to Paro to spend some time with your grandparents. My Dear, I did it with reason too. I wanted you to be closer to your granny since your papa and I decided to leave you with them. Please forgive us for that but we did not have a choice either. Your papa would be alone and he won’t be able take care of you. I know it would seem like the silliest reason but we didn’t have any better option. The times I served your needs were soon taken over by your granny but I know she loves you as much as I do. I was helpless dear…..I couldn't show you my love and care though I wanted to but I had to keep the distance since I didn't want you to miss me in my absence. I wanted you to think of granny rather than me. I just felt bad and every night when you slept I wept and prayed you wouldn’t notice it. Every moment was captured so that I could reflect and cherish when I would be away from you. The evening of 23rd June was the most difficult night I had ever been through. I just couldn’t imagine myself leaving you and going off for studies. I remember you saw my tears and even questioned me, “Why are you crying, mama?” and I just answered saying I am having a bad headache and adding I always love you. My heart was thumping and the excitement I had so far just took a minute to vanish. I wished the night would never end so that I could hold you in my arms forever. I imagined of every possible thing to happen that would allow me to stay with you, my darling. 
The night passed by faster than usual and the morning of 24th was the hardest day as I had perceived. I held you in my arms and shed tears for being such a selfish mother who was just leaving you in pursuit of my own success and dreams. You really needed me to hold your tiny hands and walk every step with you and to answer every question you ask at this stage but I am very sorry for having failed to be there for you when you needed me the most. Oh! I just don’t know how to address myself, a lucky woman or an unlucky mother. I say lucky because I was walking my dreams and unlucky because I was failing to serve the needs of my daughter who has the right to it. “How do I weigh myself?” was the most difficult question and I guess I will never be able to answer it. That morning when I took leave from you, you weren't awake and nor did I wanted you to wake up because if you wake up, I would have never been able to leave. Every step I took that morning was the hardest and the heaviest for me. Your granny couldn't say a word to me since she was also crying. Your grandpa was a bit stronger as he gave me some advice with a hug. Your papa went with me to see me off but all the way we didn't say a word to each other. I was crying and when I thought of talking we had reached the air port. Not knowing any of the procedures at the air port I just rushed in as I was late already. Your papa and I departed with a hurried hug and a kiss. I just cried and turned again and again over my shoulders to look at your Papa. 
Oh! That wasn't the moment I expected when I had looked excitedly at the plane on many of my journeys past the air-port and thought of boarding the plane. I boarded the plane still crying and at that moment it didn't matter if people were staring at me. I was worried about you and instantly I called your granny and asked about you but she said you were still sleeping. I cried again in the plane thinking of you and regretting not bringing you to the airport because I could have had some extra moment to spend with you. The plane started to take off and with it I was being taken away from you my dear. I am not confessing although I owe you countless confessions, my dear daughter. Yet I will still feel guilty for I am not there when you need me, for I am not there when you call me, for I am not there to see you growing up, for I am not there to be the part of the memories you are making every day and I am sorry for I am the reason for keeping you away from your Papa too. I am really very sorry for all the reasons. I cannot really make you understand right now but I hope you will be able to understand my feelings one day. Please forgive me for it. I promise to make it up to you when I get back though I cannot give you the lost moments. Please remember that your Mama misses you a lot and loves you the most in this world.

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